Buffet
by Kyrian
Summary: -OhmRice, you couldn't lead a starving man to a buffet.- .hack//GU, yaoi. revised


A/N: OhmRice and Kaki Leader have to be some of the funnest characters in the GU games. I went through this fic a while ago and realized it needed a little revamping, so if you guys have read it before and are rereading, tell me if you like the changes.

GU doesn't give a whole lot about these characters offline, but I believe Kaki is supposed to be about twenty years older than OhmRice, who's in his teens or close to it. Any other information is purely of my own devising and not meant to be taken as truth in any fashion.

DISCLAIMER: I disclaim.

--

I, a sixteen year old boy, am in love with my thirty-four year old online friend, Kaki Leader.

Good evening, this is OhmRice.

--

"ButtRice! I'm hungry; can we get to the buffet already?" Kaki moaned, running one hand through his dark hair. Behind him, a symphony of taxi cabs and honking cars played as we walked the street, dodging passerby. I stepped out of the way of a couple holding hands with absent interest and almost got run over by a kid on a bike.

"Don't call me that." I said automatically as I stared fervently at the map, trying to make heads or tales of it. There were lines, and squiggles, and for some reason the street next to the one I was on didn't exist in real life. I was absolutely terrible with maps, and Kaki even more so, and it didn't help that it was dark out and I couldn't read any of the signs.

We were on our way to the Golden Sparrow, a Chinese restaurant, for our after-convention dinner. A subway, two trolleys, and a hell of a lot of walking later, the only thing I knew for certain was that the restaurant was at least on the same side of the city as us. We had picked the restaurant because it was the closest Chinese place to the seminar building, but somehow we'd gotten lost walking and had to ask directions three times. I, being a small-town kid, was nervous around all these unfamiliar people, and the looks they gave me were cold enough to curdle milk.

"Here, gimme the map, ButtRice. We're never going to get there." Kaki complained suddenly, snatching the paper out of my hands as we walked. I gave it over grudgingly and followed him as he sped up, muttering to himself and tracing streets. Surely if I couldn't find it, he wouldn't be able to either. Either way, he looked like he knew what was going on, so I didn't question it. It was cold out and I was hungry.

You may be wondering how a teenager like me ended up with a thirty-four year old man who he doesn't even really know, walking around a strange city alone. It's a sad, miserable tale, full of plot twists and woeful endings. Story of my life, I suppose.

Kaki Leader and I met on 'The World' forums shortly after I started playing the game. He unduly attacked me and asked me why I would choose a name that looked like ButtRice. I responded heatedly, we fought, and we've been friends ever since.

Fast forward a few months. I successfully convinced my parents I was stayed at a friend's house for the weekend and snuck up to an offline gathering for 'The World' – the first I'd ever been to. I was nervous, but the parents had been lied to, so there was no turning back.

There were about 100 people there – big names like AppleStar and Nogmung showed up, and a few people I saw regularly in Dol Dona made an appearance as well. I never expected Kaki Leader to show up, but our friendship had taught me that he did unexpected things quite often. As it turned out, he had been kicked out of his apartment and needed a place to stay until he could get another on Monday.

And that's how I got to know Kaki Leader. It was on my top ten list of worst mistakes ever made.

Today, I had dragged him to another offline gathering. His agreement had come at the price of Chinese food after, which I was okay with. However, the event had been a bust, so it was just us two, or maybe we wouldn't have froze half to death trying to find it.

"ButtRice, you idiot, it's right there!" he snarled in my ear suddenly. I looked up distractedly. He was pointing at a little place on the corner with only a window decorated with red curtains. Its sign was worn and faded, but you could just barely see the outline of a bird in flight. That's all; there was no other way to tell that this was the Golden Sparrow or even a restaurant at all.

"Oh, yeah, Kaki, that bird is definitely golden. How could I not notice?" I said drily, shoving the map into a trash can. Fat lot of help it was. It was kind of skeevy-looking, but we were both so tired and hungry I don't think either of us cared.

The inside was a lot nicer than the outside, furnished in the typical Chinese gold and red. Kaki didn't even wait for a table. He went straight for the buffet, while I got us seated. He was already stuffing his face when I came back, my own plate loaded with food and drizzled in soy sauce.

"You must've been a hungry little boy." I commented as I sat down, watching him eat. He looked up and grinned, the edges of his eyes crinkling. God, he was handsome

"Is that the pot calling the kettle black I hear?" he asked, motioning towards my own plates of food awkwardly with his chopsticks. In one quick maneuver, I snatched his egg roll with my own set of sticks and took a bite out of it snubbily, smiling through the cabbage.

He gave me a fake outraged glare and put one hand around the rest of his precious food.

"That was unnecessary." He said sulkily. I smiled and threw and egg roll onto his plate from my own.

Surprisingly, the food was incredible. I was used to instant Chinese when I went out for dinner, and buffets were never very good since the food sat out for forever before it got eaten. The food I was eating, though, tasted fresh – and the sauce was actually handmade, instead of coming out of a stir fry packet. Maybe big cities weren't entirely terrible.

I ate much more quickly (and cleanly) than Kaki did; he was terrible with chopsticks. Working part time at a Chinese restaurant, I had learned to be good with them so I didn't starve to death on my short breaks. Kaki Leader, though he professed to eating Chinese at least once a week, looked like he was about to accidently stab himself in the eye at any minute. Even though I was across the table from him, I was watching his hands warily too.

I never said the guy was normal.

My eyes wandered as I scooped rice into my mouth. Kaki was so buff. It annoyed me; I was an avid track runner, but no matter how much muscle I gained, I was still skinny. Even weight-\raining did nothing for my chicken legs and arms. Kaki, on the other hand, went to the gym maybe twice a week and was physical trainer status. Oh well, at least I wasn't short.

"You checking me out over there, ButtRice?" Kaki asked suddenly, catching my eyes unexpectedly.

A waiter stopped and gave him a strange look. I flicked my eyes away quickly, but it didn't matter, he'd already caught me... Damnit, every time I thought he was preoccupied…

"No. I had my eyes on that crab wanton." I lied, smiling innocently. I clicked my chopsticks at him for emphasis as his eyes narrowed.

"Would you stay away from my food?! Get your own." He exclaimed, sliding his plate closer to him and grabbing the wanton. Just as well. I hated wantons. Grudgingly, I looked away from him and back at my own food, hoping I didn't look too disappointed.

I did mention before that I had a slight crush on Kaki Leader, right?

Well, slight like, you know, full-blown gargantuan wet-dream starry-eyed Damn-I-think-I'm-in-love type of crush.

It took me a long time to get over the fact that he was almost twenty years older than me. I wasn't grossed out by it, but rather ashamed it _didn't _disgust me. I mean, it's weird enough that I'm friends with some working-age bachelor, isn't it? And that I trust him enough to share hotel rooms with him by myself without fear of being raped? We weren't even going to get into the fact that I'd met him on an MMO, said to be the mother of all stalker-sites. My mother would disown me if she knew.

Oh yeah. Then there's the fact that I met him because he was dumped by his girlfriend. Which meant that he wasn't interested in boys of any size, shape, or age, especially ones twenty years younger and still jailbait. Why I insist on ruining my own life, I'll never figure out.

But that meant if I wanted to stay friends with him, I needed to keep my mouth shut. Which isn't easy, I'll let you know. He was the friendly slap-on-the-back, wrestling, touchy kind of guy; he touched me so much it was a wonder he'd never noticed my skipping heartbeats.

Sigh.

"Hey, ButtRice, what world problem are you solving now?" Kaki questioned suddenly, looking up at me from his half empty plate. I noticed my hand was motionless, chopsticks dangling a piece of chicken halfway to my mouth.

"Uh…"caught again. Kaki Leader sure looked oblivious, but he caught everything. It was really annoying sometimes. Then again, my dumb self wasn't exactly good at keeping secrets. Maybe I should get a shirt made. But even when I thought I was doing an impeccable job of hiding it, he still noticed, and it irritated me to no end.

Like now, when I was too busy trying to get my mind off him to go under psychological evaluation _by _him.

"What a dork," he said, laughing slightly, "seriously though, what's up? Something the matter?" he set his chopsticks down and leaned in, all attention focused on me. His eyes were watching my every movement, which meant I wouldn't be able to lie to him. He always caught me, and then he'd badger me to no end. I'd have to invent some sort of half-truth that sounded convincing.

"I… I guess it wasn't Chinese I was hungry for." Good lie, but… totally inappropriate to be saying to the subject, and it brought to mind some images of what exactly I _could _be tasting, namely a brown-haired, buff man sitting only three feet away, his knee resting against mine under the table…

Surprisingly, he didn't push the subject, which was his normal course of action. His face twisted a little, his mouth tightened, then suddenly he just went blank and looked back at his food, as if nothing had happened.

Stupid me, my stupid mood had just ruined the dinner, which I could have spent talking and laughing with Kaki for the first time in ages and probably the last for a while. We finished the meal in relative silence, and left quickly, Kaki avoiding my gaze. I think the Chinese lady at the register noticed; she offered no small talk, just smiled cautiously and nodded.

The air outside the restaurant was just cold enough to be biting, and I pulled my jacket a little closer. I had come dressed for a cold fall day, forgetting it would be almost freezing by evening.

"Hey, you alright?" Kaki asked, slugging me lightly in the shoulder. He still didn't look at me, but the attempt at conversation was whole-hearted.

Despite his tough, sarcastic exterior, Kaki Leader was always worried about me. Was I too warm or cold, was I eating enough, were my parents being all right to me? I acted annoyed with it, but secretly I really liked it. Kaki was the only person who really looked out for me, and it was… nice. Something about me must have rung a bell with him, because he was never like that with anyone else. Maybe he'd gone through something bad as a kid. Now if only I could repay him by NOT having a weirdo backwards-pedophiliac stalkercrush on him, things would have been perfect.

Yeah, this would be the 'starry-eyed' part of the crush. Never thought of myself as a romantic.

I shivered a little. It was getting _really_ cold out, and my worn out windbreaker wasn't doing much for me. I was looking across the street when something warm wrapped around me; I looked over to see it was Kaki's arm, and he pulled me up against his side.

"Don't look at me like that. You were cold, and I sure as hell ain't giving you my jacket." He said, scowling half-heartedly. I ducked my head to hider my embarrassment, not having realized I was staring.

How obvious can you be, stupid? Might as well just ask if you can have his babies, huh? Maybe he'd take you back to the hotel room, and ravish you, how about that?

But he still hadn't let go, so I let him pull me close, and, after a moment, moved my arm around his waist so it wasn't in the way. We probably looked like a couple of brothers, or maybe even a really young father and a really old son. Though I don't think sons get a sudden flutter of warmth when their fathers hug them. Well, maybe perverted ones like me.

As we got closer to the hotel, I got increasingly nervous. I had never… you know, stayed with Kaki Leader. Alone. In the same bed. Separate beds, before we were so close, I'd had no problem with. Now I wasn't sure I could handle myself. The last thing I wanted was to go and ruin our friendship. I mean, if I wear a chick, he could just brush it off as a silly girl thing. Girls did that. If we were the same age, he'd probably just be a little weirded out. But he's twice as old as me, and if I… admit... he'll probably either be disgusted or think it's all his fault somehow. And either way, he'll stop associating with me.

"ButtRice. You giving her the eye?" I came back to the present and realized I was looking straight at an elderly lady, who was giving me nervous glances and reaching into her handbag. I mouthed 'sorry' and turned away, flushing.

Kaki Leader was grinning at me, his teeth blinding white against a dark face. I looked away, unable to take his joking right now.

"Didn't know you were into that, ButtRice." He teased. I knew he wasn't serious, but if he didn't close his mouth, he'd be saying that about a very different, _way _more personal subject. Something about this whole day had thrown my emotions way out of whack, and the last thing I wanted to talk about was what I was or wasn't into.

"Just shut up, all right? And quit calling me that, it's weird." I snapped, shoving Kaki's arm away and immediately regretting it. He gave me a strange look, but didn't say anything, just looked ahead and crossed the street when the light turned. Around us, the night was getting darker and chillier. In big cities like this, you couldn't see the stars or the moon very well. I shuddered, missing them suddenly. The colours of the street were dark blues and purples, greys and blacks, except for the occasional neon sign. Only a few people were out, all wrapped in coats and scarves and laughter. A few taxis buzzed past like busy honeybees to the hive.

I was relieved when we climbed the stairs at the motel and reached our hotel room. Kaki unlocked the door silently and held it open to let me in. A burst of heat greeted us, wrapping itself around my ankles and purring in delight as I eased in to the welcoming room. I smiled and kicked off my shoes, ready to strip and hop in bed.

Kaki had other plans. As I faced the wall, toeing my shoes off neatly into place, a pair of arms met the wall both sides of my neck, pinning me in place. I froze, then turned to look at Kaki as confusedly as possible, trying to hide the sudden burst of heat in my body, His eyes were liquid dark and serious.

"Spill, Rice. What's wrong?" he asked, his voice concerned. Those eyes were boring into me, and it made it hard to talk, or think, or even swallow.

"Uh…" how was I supposed to think with him that close?

"Uh…um…" and I made the mistake of looking at his mouth. What nice lips… a mocha colour, and not too thin. Not too thick either… maybe the bottom one a little, and his nose was a tad large, but he was _very _handsome, especially with that crooked, roguish smile of his.

Just then, I did something very stupid.

Good evening, this is OhmRice.

I looked at him, and I leaned in… and I snapped out of it.

Stupid, crazy, idiot… what was I thinking? What kind of retard was I? I couldn't _kiss _Kaki Leader. I couldn't. It wasn't going to happen. Surely I wasn't that unintelligent.

Gulp. Why was he looking at me like that?

Kaki narrowed his eyes at me and sighed. Slowly, he removed his arms from around me and looked away, studying the generic hotel painting that hung about the bed. The colours were swirling and blended together. I had no idea what it was supposed to be a picture of.

"OhmRice, you couldn't lead a starving man to a buffet." Kaki said, a trace of sadness in his voice that I couldn't place.

In an instant, I was flush against the wall, something warm and slightly heavy against my body, and the most amazing things were happening to my mouth where he was kissing and my torso where he was pushing my shirt up and splaying his fingers across my skin, and I was sighing in happiness…

By the time I managed to move, Kaki Leader was already in his bed, facing away from me. My lips were cold. My shirt was unruffled.

I grimaced with an unwilling mouth at his back and muttered quietly, "Yeah, I know. I know."

And then I walked to the bed, and threw the covers back, and climbed into bed, facing the window, carefully scooted as close to the edge of the bed as I could be. Kaki said nothing for the rest of the night. Six hours later I fell asleep.

Good night, this is Ohm Rice signing out.


End file.
